Adventures in Automated Software

When is "Gay" not "homosexual?"

Only your computer knows for certain.

Sued in the Spirit

The next time you plan to have the Holy Spirit knock you down, make sure you have a couple of big, strong, burly "catchers" nearby lest you crack your head on the floor. Otherwise, a mess of stitches, head trauma, and litigation, may occur.

From the plaintiffs complaint:

Mr. Lincoln received the spirit and fell backwards striking the carpet-covered cement floor with the back of his head and back, causing him to sustain severe and permanent injuries ...
[Mr. Lincoln accuses the church of being] negligent in not supervising the catchers to be sure that they stood behind the person being prayed for and in front of the visiting minister to assure that they could catch someone should they have a dizzying, fainting or falling in the spirit as had occurred on many occasions before.


Be careful out there, people.

How to Ruin A Marathon

From The Onion: How to Ruin A Marathon

Teaser:

"After you've been ruining a marathon for a couple hours, your body will
just take over and you won't even realize that you're spoiling the day for
everyone. I call that getting in the "ruiner's zone." It's like my arms and legs
could just keep dumping buckets of cooking oil off a highway overpass forever."

Sugarcoating It

Joel Stein of the LA Times has written a wonderfully funny piece on kiddie cereals.

"While I appreciated the honesty of Sugar Pops (bran, wheat, rice, corn -- who cares? It's got sugar in the name!), it seemed too desperate and bland. The Froot Loops mascot baffles me to this day. It seems like an ad campaign created by a wine snob: '"You see, guys, this toucan with an enormous nose, kind of a supertaster bird, is going to fly around pointing out notes of strawberry, lemon and dark cherries in the cereal. Kids will love it!"'

"Seeing Past the Sugarcoating"

The Fast Supper

Da Vinci's The Last Supper











And, the Fast Supper








I love how they put the feminine character to the right of "The King" creating Dan Brown's "chalice" image from The Da Vinci Code. Clever.

They make T-shirts, if anyone has an itch to buy me something.

Breakfast Cereal Killer

On family trips to the grocery store, my wife has been know to drop me off in the cereal aisle and pick me up after she has worked her way over half of the store. The cereal aisle is the number one reason that I do most of the grocery shopping. I will drive a normal human crazy with frustration as I while away the time in front of 80 feet of boxes.

So, here lies the cereal-eating habits of a man who requires a vast amount of quality carbs due to marathon training. Cereal is low in fat, high in quality carbs (if the right cereal is chosen), and can be consumed with milk, which provides quick, quality protein. It is the perfect snack for those who require a lot of calories or it can be "part of this complete breakfast." Or lunch. Or dinner.

Grab a spoon and enjoy.

HEAVY ROTATION

Kashi Go Lean Crunch. Sorta like harder, crunchier, heartier Super Golden Crisp. This mix of seven whole grains offers serious resistance. If you love to eat healthy whole grains, and you enjoy having the roof of your mouth shredded by hundreds of little oat-razors, this mix is for you. Mystery fact: where else can you get 9 g protein in one serving without ingesting an animal product?

Kellogg's Raisin Bran. No other raisin bran knockoff holds up. I eat loads of generic cereal, but Kellogg's has the best stuff going in the bran/raisin department. The stuff has loads of fiber and the ingredient list is short, which is almost always a good thing.

Frosted Mini-Wheats. Any brand, make, or model will do. These miniature snow-on-hay-bales soak up milk like tiny little sponges, and they pack loads of whole grain. But, they have visible sweetener on them, so it's almost like cheating.

LIGHT ROTATION

Multigrain Cheerios. It's like a daily multivitamin in delicious, toasted, lightly sweetened form. And, like a One-A-Day, it will turn your urine neon green-yellow. Seriously. Try it. It looks like Chernobyl runoff.

SmartStart. Packed with vitamins and antioxidants, these flakes hold their crunch so well, that I can only assume that Clark W. Griswold's non-permeable, semi-osmotic cereal varnish is at work here.

Kroger Muesli. Cue up some John Denver, put on some jeans and a flannel shirt, sit on your back porch at sunrise, and chow down on this whole oat, raisin, barley, bran concoction. It is a body-connected-to-the-earth experience that is difficult to match.

OPEN BOX AT OWN RISK

Fruity Pebbles. One 15 oz. box = One Serving. Really, it's flavored puffed rice. There is no stopping point with these little guys. You tell yourself you can stop, but it's like watching a VH1 Behind the Music. You WILL finish it. Your will to stop or turn away plays no part in this.

Reese's Peanut Butter Puffs. I only eat these on special occasions when I am alone. It's kind of embarrassing to howl at the moon over a bowl (OK, seven bowls) of a kiddie cereal. I'm like a crazed night wolf as soon as I get a whiff of these critters.

Lucky Charms. If you have a lot of chores to do, fuel up on a couple of bowls of sugar-coated, refined carbs with a generous smattering of pure, refined sugar marshmallows. They're magically insulin-spiking.

Golden Grahams. Some college rock band-types fall into habits like smoking pot, alcoholism, or heroin. I binged on Golden Grahams. I know that they are scrum-diddly-umptious, but I consumed enough of them in college to fill the Astrodome--so I'm probably done with them for the next 50 years or so.

Froot Loops, Trix, Apple Jacks, etc. Pure, straight trash carbs coated in sugar. It's all about the marketing. It's like a happy meal for breakfast...without the saturated fat, or that pesky risk of E Coli. And, you can almost hear your pancreas cursing at you from the depths of your innards.

BONUS QUESTION
Honeycomb. Have you tried these lately? Something has happened to them recently...and it's NOT good. Maybe bits of endangered Arctic Snow Owls gave them their original delectable texture and flavor. If so, it was still worth it. Now, they are like the old Honey Round rip-offs, but in the REAL Honeycomb box and at the brand name price. Can anyone explain this?

Feel free to share your favorites and make suggestions to this verified cereal addict.

Women, Chocolate, and Hamburger Helper

Today's mileage: 5 miles

1. Good post and subsequent comments on Scot McKnight's blog regarding women in ministry, and more precisely, Galatians 3.28 (the "no Jew/Greek/slave/free/male/female" verse).

2. See pics of my folk/country/rock band, baby Simon, sleepy uncles, and Easter candy right here.

3. Are you from the South? Do you enjoy comedians capitalizing on Southern stereotypes? Do you like Hamburger Helper? Do you enjoy comedians capitalizing on Southern stereotypes while singing a song about Hamburger Helper?

If you answered "yes" or "no" to any of the above questions, watch this video.